Past Forever
by Absent Heart
Summary: Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met especially now when you needed each other more than ever. Mer/Der AU
1. Chapter 1

_**Okay i havent been on her for a long time but i've wanted too and then to get me back into my other story i started randomly writing this one and out of no where got my inspiration back... **_

_**So this is my new story and its MerDer** **and Au and i hope u'll enjoy and give it a chance it does get better i promise.**_

**_Fix You_**

The elevator doors slid shut behind him but Derek Shepherd barely noticed. He could muster no real interest for his surroundings. The hospital that tomorrow would be his workplace carried on around him. I t was different to his private practise in New York he did not need to look around to know that. Change was what he had come for. What had driven him here to the other side of the country. Straight to the one person he knew would understand him, to the girl who despite their complicated history he could never call just a friend. He had tried too. Right from the first time of meeting her at his parents home when she was eighteen but never with something that could be called success. Meredith Grey would always be more than that to him. According to his, soon to be ex wife, it was only Meredith that did not understand that and Derek knew that that sentiment held a strong ring of truth around it.

A weary hand rubbed over his face to try and physically push those thoughts away. Not willing to go down the path that would lead him straight to what had really driven him here to her. The infidelity of his wife had been an excuse. An excuse he had to have to stop him feeling like he was running out on his whole family when they were grieving too. However, to stay and face what had happened and to learn to live with it was for him beyond comprehension. Therefore, he was here. In Seattle where she was and for him that made sense. More sense than anything else had lately in his life.

"Derek…?"

The voice brought his head back up sharply. Tortured blue gaze searching out the green he knew would be waiting for him. He watched as it changed from confused to tender and complete understanding. His name uttered so simply in her soft voice was like a caress but also stood as a fleeting warning before she threw herself into his waiting arms.

He caught and held her as close as was possible. Warmth he had been missing for the last three weeks spreading through him as her arms wrapped tightly around him.

"I'm so sorry…"

Whispered into his throat the movement of her lips felt like a kiss. Though they were words, he had been hearing repeatedly the last few weeks none had consoled him more than hers had. Meredith understood him. She had understood Mark and somehow made their brother like friendship turn from the bond of two to the bond of three.

"Me too Mer."

Tears he had not before allowed himself to cry now burnt his eyes as they fell. Hiding them from everyone but her, he buried his face in her hair. Allowing the comfort of her body, the familiar scent of her and the gentle movements of her hands on his back to soothe him.

"I'm here."

Meredith had no idea if they were the right words to say but they were all she could think of to say. He was broken. The man who had always been there for her was broken and she wanted nothing more than to fix him. But she knew she could'nt. He had lost his brother. She had lost one of the two of the most important men in her life and she did not know how to get back from that herself.

"That's why I'm here."

Derek whispered as he felt her own tears dampen his shirt. Maybe this was why he had come. The thought she would need him just as he needed her.

**_So that was that that..._**

**_Please review and let me know what you think or if anyone is still interested in me continuing 'You Found Me' _**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Okay well first off thank you to all the people who took the time to review, i really am gratefull!_**

**_This is the second chapter and basically its a filler just to finish setting the story up to where i need it to be and again i promiise the story gets better as it goes on so please hang in there. _**

**_So all i say now is Read, Enjoy and PLEASE Review!!!!_**

Meredith only paused for another moment before reaching out a hand. Easily finding his as with no hint of rejection it was grasped and held tightly.

"Do you want to talk? We can talk. I haven't really spoken about it either. There was no one I wanted to share him with here but now you are here... You're here and you're the only person I really know how too."

Meredith's whispered ramble ended as she felt her bed shift as he rolled from his back to his side so he was facing her. Though she could not see him, Meredith knew he was watching her. That his eyes were searching out her face. It was an awareness of him she had possessed since their first meeting.

The day she had met him ten years ago had changed her life forever and she had his baby sister Lucy to thank for that. Lucy her roommate at Dartmouth had somehow persuaded her to come home with her for Christmas. That Christmas after eighteen years, she had had her first real taste of a family holiday. Her first experience of life with a real family. How they interacted, how they argued but most of all how they loved one another. It had most of all taught her that she herself was capable of love. A love she still refused to act on ten years on.

One look from those blue eyes and she had been lost and she knew given the chance he would have taken her heart and soul. A moment was all she had allowed herself to wonder what if before locking it away. Not only for her sake but also for Derek's. She had felt his attraction to her, that just like her, he had been affected but she had known even then Derek deserved better than what she could offer.

"You're the only person I would want to Mer,"

Derek's soft reply broke through her thoughts how nothing else could have.

"It was always you and Mark, no one else."

Derek said and meant every word. There was his mother, his sisters and there had been Jen but none of them could he talk to how he talked to Meredith or had to Mark. Nor had they really understood his need to leave New York. Yet he knew without question Mark would have and that Meredith did.

However, what his family did get was why he had chosen Seattle and Seattle Grace Hospital. Lucy his youngest sister and Meredith's friend had said immediately after he had told them he was leaving to give Meredith a hug from all of them. And tonight whilst he had waited out the rest of her shift in his soon to be office, he had called Lucy to let her know he was safe before occupying his mind by putting some order to the office.

Tomorrow he had told himself was soon enough to face everyone who had seen their new head of Neuro fall apart in an intern arms. Tomorrow was soon enough to face the gossip or assumptions about their relationship.

When she had finally come for him rejecting her friends offers to the both of them to go for drinks he had felt that same warmth as he had when she had wrapped her arms around him. To know it would only be the two of them was exactly what he had needed to hear. Now laid out on her bed in the darkness there was no other place in the world he would rather be. He had slept with her like this before he had married and he knew Mark would without the second thoughts he had always had. It was before too much like torture to have her so close and he would lie for hours imagining everything he wanted to be doing with her that was not sleeping. But now her closeness alone whatever form it came in was what he ached for.

"I miss him Mer. I miss my brother, I miss my best friend and I don't…"

The tears that had fallen earlier threatened now as he tried to squeeze words past the lump in his throat.

"I just don't know how to be me without him."

This was the most he had talked about Mark since the funeral. Even his speech then was now a blur to him. All he could really remember from that day was the feel of Meredith's fingers like now on his.

"It's okay not to know. It's so soon you don't need to have answers Der. There's no right way to grieve or timescale on it." Meredith murmured returning his grip. Her thumb running back and forth over the back of his knuckles.

"After the funeral when I came back here it was almost a relief… I could pretend to myself for a little while it hadn't happened. That he was fine, that he was wrapped up in some nurse just being a crappy friend who didn't call."

"He loved you."

Derek stated simply. Meredith he was sure was the only girl Mark had felt secure enough to love. Meredith wasn't going to leave; she was safe, there for him, with no demands for a commitment Mark had never believed he could give.

"I loved…"

Meredith's words halted as what had been bugging her whilst he had been talking hit her. The last time they held hands at the funeral her thumb had every time halted at the cold metal of his wedding ring. Even then in her grief for Mark she had felt that same piercing pain as she had when she'd watched Jennifer slip it on to his finger.

"Derek…"

The moment he had felt her thumb still on his fourth finger he had known she had realised.

"Mark was right I never should have married her."

Derek said knowing how much his friend would have enjoyed hearing that. But what he didn't tell Meredith was what else Mark had said hours before he was due to be married. That the girl laid next to him was the only girl he should be marrying, it was almost as if Mark had witnessed what had happened the night before at his bachelor party.

"He never did like sharing you."

"Except with you."

Derek voice was soft and Meredith felt her heart start to thump even harder in her chest. She knew what memories had caused his voice to change like that. Memories that had been locked away deep in her heart since the night that for a little time she had allowed her true feelings to surface before she had run out on him.

Mark finding her hours later in the Shepherds family home in his and Derek's old room. That night he had laid just like this with her trying his best to persuade her to talk to Derek. Tell him the truth before it was too late.

Mark hadn't left her side the next day throughout the wedding and reception and had held her in her arms the next night whilst she had cried. For a year after his wedding she had barely spoken to Derek before Mark had forced her to come back to New York and face what she had run away from.

"A week ago I came home from work to find her in our bed with one of her interns from the hospital."

Derek knew at some point he would feel the pain of her betrayal. That the end of his marriage couldn't be accomplished so easily with barely any anger or pain.

"How could she?" The anger his words had caused surged through Meredith. Chasing away the memories of years ago.

"Quite easily apparently. She claims she never came first, that our marriage was never my priority."

"Mark always could search out and spot the hidden whores."

Meredith muttered bitterly and Derek couldn't stop his bark of laughter that seemed to come from nowhere.

"Thank you,"

"For what? Calling Jen a whore?"

"No … For this Mer, for not leaving me too. Don't ever leave me Mer. I can't lose you"

All laughter gone as quickly as it had come Derek used the hold he had on her hand to pull her closer and Meredith didn't resist. Resting her head on his chest she felt his free hand tangle in her hair to hold her there as she let out a deep sigh. Understanding fully just what Derek being here meant for her and her heart.

"I won't."

**_Well that was that... Ive just ordered my new lap top so once thats here the updates will be a lot more frequent and for those of you interested 'You found me' will be updated on Sat. _**

**_Ive had to rewqrite the chapter a couple of times after rereading the story over and over to make sure i get it right. Which isnt easy when your borrowing other peoples lap tops! _**

**_l_****_ol so now just please review._**


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